The predesigned life!?

So ever wondered what is right and wrong? what is left and what in the name of god is right? What is good or bad? why can we not agree to the simple fact that a commited guy and a single girl can be best friends? Why can we not love someone twice or half our age? What is perfect? And who  exactly defined it for us? There might be traffic rules but who made the life rules, the relationship rules, the marriage rules, friendship rules and the gender rules for us?
Who exactly told us that you cannot do or can do things? And why do we have to have a routine? Why is it not once - just once, not okay not to judge. Why is not easy to NOT judge someone doing something they want to do? Why can it not be just happy or sad instead of good or bad then everything would be judged on the basis of - if it makes us happy or not. Right?
No rights or wrongs if you are happy. There is no question mark.
The problem is not the person who fell in love with his 10 year younger student. The problem is us. Its you and me who are not part of that person's experience and hence do not and cannot understand their rights and wrongs. For once why not stop judging yourself also? Why not carve a life that you want to live with yourself and others? Why not grow out of the prescribed norms of rights and wrongs? Why not do what makes you feel good, why not be with someone who completes you rather than someone who fits the profile of standard perfection?
Its weird how with growing age something that was right for us becomes wrong for someone younger. How we tend to rub the markings of imperfection from our face so that we inspire the younger generation to be good and right. But have you ever thought why can you not just own up to not the wrongs or rights but to the options that were put forth you and your decisions? It is never wrong or right as I said earlier. Right and wrong is an illusion which people around us plant in us and we plant in them. What is there are choices and what you can do is choose. You could choose a chocolate fantasy or the big banana, its your call. Its your life to live and design. There is right and left for oneself though. But the catch here is - What might be right for you could be left for me and what could be left for you might be right for me.
So, the point am trying to make here is how much is too much and how many is too many and if enough is ever enough? Will we ever know? In the same manner if right is good or bad and if bad is good or bad you will never know. So draw the line or define your decision by happy or sad/unsatisfied. That way you are always happy if you choose to be!
Design your own life. Don't buy it readymade from a store near you. Stich the wrong parts and use the wrong colours and beads. Maybe,  you might even like and be happy with the wrong design.
But again, who decided the rights and wrongs for you?

A sensitive soul's story of fancy and delusion...

We always tend to build a story around us... And generally that story begins with an ‘I’ and if you are lucky enough ends with a ‘we’ and some friends here and there... The extras always badly cast. The perfect someone is not there - Things to be done, places to be seen, books to be read, before the story gets over lists... All keeps on getting longer and more reasonable - and all the more longer.

Sometimes the after effects of meeting different forms of shapes and sizes can be so amazingly repelling that you become this story you have always wanted to be your entire life...

We keep on creating stories as we meet the people of different class society culture and what not... nation state town city - different genre of music books movies all of it... every other person makes you want to join them in the ride and forget about your old and boring story to begin a new exciting one ..

You almost all the time unknowingly are seeking for pleasure in every act that you perform… You seek immortal happiness despite the fact that seasons change… Despite the very simple fact that change is constant you hold onto the present trying it to be the forever ... Trying very hard to let the story be the same… And trying very hard so that the happily ever after comes sooner than it actually should. You don't like the plainer stories... the plain old apartment - the plain spouse… the plain job - It has to be exquisite... you want to be the star of your story and yet the story wants the charm of the old school of thought- where everyone loves everyone and anyone can be someone.

You yearn for the plain happiness - the story of a beautiful family - the ‘close-knit family’ - the peaceful dinners and then sleep- the peaceful sleep.
And yet you choose to be stuck in the rush - in the money making... no one wants to live in the suburbs... you want the rush of the most happening place in the state, every minute planning the next step - of how to get the next best thing! Well doesn't sound well - when every minute you want what the other has got, when every minute your perception of living changes - when the rat race becomes the horse race- when your beliefs become too small for the “Chatteraati”- You crib about your own decisions and the way people are living today, you no longer are enjoying the story that you wrote for yourself - The tragedy is that you don’t have an undo button..

You don’t have an option of time travel – as much as you would want.
The ‘You’ that you are now – is no longer satisfied even with the snatched or maybe well-deserved promotion that you have. You no longer can get your plain life back – coz you have already painted your story with the colours of the beautiful rush, the piercingly dominating rush which does not even let you attend your sibling’s marriage.
So what do you lack? Patience – and what do you have in abundance – Ignorance
Patience is the virtue by which everything becomes at par – life seems at pace with your thoughts and rushing towards tomorrow generally disappears - and ignorance is the virtue which would help you live happily ever after in the delusion of perfect tomorrow.
The happily ever after that you want is FYI never the end- and the story that you are trying to write so hard has no end – and of course the story within the story is the story we all look for – the best way of living it would be to stop trying so hard to write it –

and just throw some colours of thoughts and emotions here and there and fill the blank canvas with the colours that have not even been invented as yet –Break free and fly towards the everlasting sky where no story engulfs you – and nobody bothers you!

Desires.. Beliefs and hopes ... !!

Allow me to recall this time last year .. how independent .. how balanced .. how detached from emotions .. I wanted to be .. and was not !! Last year,Yes, I failed myself and again felt .. got imbalanced .. got attached .. still somehow was not dependent .. !! Leaving for a new place .. I again promised myself to be even more independent .. balanced for once .and stay focused !!

I did maintain this promise to myself for a month . After that I would not say I stopped following it .. or failed myself again I actually started of with same teaching lessons for myself ..I just again started being my age .. learning and growing .. and accepting the fact that Time would teach me everything I have come to learn . The small lessons.. The small meaningful - meeting the strangers .. the wandering soul that I am .. would never stop thinking,believing ..desiring and hoping. I again lost the balance in me .. I again felt .. got attached .. felt too much .. and again got confused about my journey . Am I supposed to have fun ? Am I doing the right thing ? Am I being good enough ? Am I being helpful ? Am I doing the work am here for ? This buzzed all round me .. So I let it be .. I surrendered again .. Missed my family .. felt alone .. again held back and set on my journey ..

I started working with this big media firm as an intern .. felt like a Tele-caller.. and was made to realize that the job definitely has more to it . Now thinking of how I behaved there .. I loathe myself for wanting to quit because someone yelled at me and wanting to stay back just because someone offered comforting words.. There I realized that there was a reason for my want to be a journalist .. I not only want to explore .. I want to be the change .. I want to work for the better .. This desire to be in a position to help and serve might not be convincing .. (It sounds so vague to me at times.. ) . But there it is.. the only thought in my mind.
I want to be out there in the field. To feel the fresh wind .. the breezy wind blow across my face and give me the answer to my desires .. beliefs and hopes.. My innermost desire is to Fly .. not too high that I loose sight of things .. but just high enough to be able to care from above ..
But while working I could really feel the dirt getting under my nails..It was tough .. it was hard..but that phase did go by well .. with people who I call FRIENDS being there all along ..
Its always good to feel you know .. to know that someone does care after all. To be bothered about someone after a nerve-wracking day . The voice that would make it all go away .. I did find it .. but more so not the person I was looking for .. found it ..really tried hard .. looked here and there .. and then stopped believing in its existence.
The children I started teaching in the Govt. School . Finally another of my plans last year of working with a NGO . Teaching the weaklings of the class . I got the satisfaction I had been waiting for soo long.
There is always more to life .. beyond your daily business .. beyond success .. failures.. love and hate ..beyond the riches and the poor .. the hurt and the sorrows.. its about learning .. growing.. living.. faith .. help .. Its about each and everyone's Desires .. Beliefs and Hopes .. I have always wondered on what to write .. after soo long I have written this Something.. which has all this mixed up .. These rush of emotions .. the hope of finding the narrator and the writer in me never loses the courage to go ahead with whatever is there on my mind.
So ,

To be a free bird ..requires not courage and strength of character which I long thought were the ingredients ... but it requires Faith .. it requires a Dream .. It requires the strength to feel the wind blow across your face ... does not require confidence... it requires overconfidence.. zero balance .. and desire to be on your own .. (the real desire am talking about .. the real passion that makes you wanna bang your head ;)) .. the enthusiasm to explore.. the strength of falling in love with the cloud.. the rain .. the wind.. the storm .. the sun.

I have just got my wings.. still have a lot to learn ..to spread them out .. to help them grow strong and then you actually might see me Fly ... :)

Note to self : Always remember ... there is light even at the end of the darkest tunnel !! :)

Lately .. I have been extremely distressed with the whole process of admissions and the new life waiting for me in the near future .. !! I did not feel ready for this new life until today morning. !! And I decided to let go of the stress and build on the foundation of hope and faith that the path I chose might not lead me exactly in an exquisite living but there will be somewhere a satisfaction of working to the best of my ability and capability !!

There was nothing that inspired me !! And then I read this quote that completely rebuilt me !!

"I have thrown my "hat" in and given it my best shot and have just as good a chance as any -- but the outcome is still up in the air.I am ready to accept what lands, sticks, misses, or hits the fan. "When it rains, it pours.""

This is my call !! I have chosen this path and am going to relish every bit of this struggle !! Nothing and no situation can bring me down !! There will be times when I would want to quit but ALWAYS REMEMBER : THERE IS LIGHT EVEN AT THE END OF THE DARKEST TUNNEL !! and nothing ..nothing at all is constant . CHANGE IS THE ONLY THING THAT IS CONSTANT !!

When my soul is deprived of inspiration I hope to find my lost inspiration in me itself !! The belief in self and faith in God are the 2 things that I need to make through the lost times in my life !! I am ready for the worst and hoping for the best !! :)

"Do not always pose and be a bore: this is a maxim for gallant bearing. You may yield a touch of dignity to gain the general good-will: you may now and then go where most go, yet not beyond the bounds of decorum." - Balthasar Gracian's "The Art of Worldly Wisdom"

Let me work ..and struggle till it is finally the time to bask in the eternal glory of remembrance and peace. Till then let me work ..and let me struggle !! And let me work for the better so that the inspiring soul never dies and keeps on feasting on the strength of faith , hope and character !! :)

-Saburi Pandit